The Life of a Thoughtful Sheep

A little bit of stumbling turned to a lot of humbling

Hannah — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 07:45:23 +0000

Where do I even begin? The Lord is exploding in my life….. My first semester of college was so rough on my spirit. I suffered immensely because I chose to carry the burdens of bearing the weight of the world on my own shoulders. Instead of letting go of the things that I could not control, I chose to carry the poisonous burdens, convictions, heaviness and oppression within my heart. “The heart is the wellspring of life.” Well…I quickly found that those words rang true within my life. My heart was so full of brokenness first semester….I was not plugged into a campus ministry, I was not seeking being poured into and ultimately I was so caught up in “brokenness” that I was missing the Lord’s voice. Because I internalized everything, my joy began to quickly run dry. My time with the Lord consisted of lots of questions, lots of burdened “Lord, What do I do?”s….and lots and lots of seeking. In my seeking I found that I was not taking time to quiet my chatty heart. In the midst of my questioning….In the midst of trying to do things myself…..I lost sight of my Healer. My broken heart yearned for Him. Satan distracted me from Him with the world, filled my head with a multitude of questions and broke my heart. Satan used my vulnerable heart as a foothold and snuck into my life. During this period of time I grew somber due to my brokenness. Satan wanted me to feel numb….The Lord used this video to break me from my somber reverie and beckoned me to dance with Him again:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

I am dancing, I am singing, I am enthralled with a Man who eagerly DESIRES my whole heart and NOTHING LESS. This is not an emotional high because the Lord found me in a valley and beckoned me to join Him on the “city on a hill.” This city on a hill has been revealed to me in so many ways…. He has called me to dissect the book of Matthew and observe Jesus’ words, miracles and parables. HE IS ROCKING MY WORLD WITH THE BOOK OF MATTHEW. Jesus was such a STUD. He healed the lame, gave the blind SIGHT, instructed mockers, shepherded sinners, melted hearts of stone, loved on His disciples through gentle yet powerful parables and ultimately gave His life on the simple accord of His love for those who would never deserve it. If that isn’t a beautiful love story….I don’t know what is. The Lord is rocking my world. Matthew is only one example…. He’s fleshing out my weaknesses in my walk right now. At first Satan whispered to me that I was unworthy and weak…I quieted my spirit and the Lord reaffirmed me. He said to me, “My child, BOAST in your weaknesses for they are a reminder of why you need Me. I am showing you these things because I wish to sharpen you and make you stronger. You are worthy. You are MINE.” The Lord is breaking me of so many things…. He is refining, pruning and humbling me everyday. I am so thankful for my sweet Jesus’ patience with me. My cup is overflowing. I am falling in love with Him more and more everyday.

I will cup my hands and be transformed by the ground.

Hannah — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:01:51 +0000

College is a tornado; you are twisted and thrown and forced to combat things being thrown at you that you’ve never seen. Making adjustments, changing your mindset and standing your ground are only a few of the rules. There are other people in this tornado as well….People who have lost their ground will try to latch onto you for stability, those who are enjoying being tossed will reach for your hand as they tumble and those who have lost sight of the ground may give up. It is up to you to stand your ground, water your ground, cultivate your ground and ultimately decide how important your place of refuge really is….And when you discover the value of your place of security, it is up to you to provide the inquisitive around you with the ingredients necessary for what you have. Stability is something sought after. A lot of times it certainly doesn’t seem that way. Often I feel as though I’m on the ground alone but those are Satan’s words, not Jesus’. The very ground I’m standing on is saturated and dripping with the Lord’s very presence. When I cup my hands and drink of the water from the ground, my very soul sings….My very existence overflows with JOY and my soul finds rest. I am forever thirsty. My soul longs for the water that is provided in my sweet and fulfilling time with the Lord. I am always yearning. Heaven excites me because I will have TIME and lots and lots of it with my sweet Lord. I’ll be able to look Him in the eyes and tell Him of how good the water at my feet tasted to my longing spirit. Without the Lord my heart would be so thrown and tossed by this tornado. I am grateful for the solid ground the Lord has gifted me with. I pray that the ground I stand on is enticing and that my friends will gather and drink of the water with me

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.” James 1:1-8

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” EXODUS 14:14

To look like Jesus

Hannah — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:22:50 +0000

I’d like to think that one day the Lord will pick up the tablet of my heart, read it aloud for both of us to reflect on and smile sweetly, gazing into the very depth of my soul and say, “My darling child, you have served me well and it was through my son that you found Me. Now, reside with me forever…Here in this place you will never feel empty, forgotten, distraught, vulnerable or unloved…Here in this place you will be held in my arms, loved beyond what is measurable and passionately pursued beyond what you thought love could ensue.” The Lord has his grip on me…But I can’t wait to be at His feet. I can’t wait to be with the author of my story…I can’t wait to sit at His feet, gaze into His eyes full of passionate love and ask Him all of the questions that have been tugging on my heart…I can’t wait to meet Jesus. That day will come… and when it does I hope to look more like Jesus. The song of my heart is just that! My love for Him has turned to yearning, my desire to be in communication with Him has become my every day, and one day my faith will be my eyes.

A Gentle Planter

Hannah — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 22:58:07 +0000

God is beautiful. His plans for me are intricate, substantially wonderful, nourishing to the soul, bitter to Satan, life changing for me as His mere child, and faithfully comforting to even the very root of my worries. When the Lord speaks to me….Whether it is through His word, a song, a friend, a book, a sermon, a silence…..His touch gives me goosebumps. The Lord has pursued me like a gentle friend, and captivated every cranny, corner and depth of the love He invested in me; His very vessel. I love this life because I know in my very spirit that He is in me and has CHOSEN me to invest in the place He crafted and cultivated as His workmanship. The Lord is teaching me so much right now…He is teaching me to watch Him plant Himself into the soil of Stillwater and beckoning me to join Him in a journey called purpose. He has called me out of the slumber of my childhood and into a new realm of exciting growth. I am in utter awe of His wonder….Completely and totally reliant on His hands and in love with a Lord that I can call my very own. God is so cool… I am SO eager to see what He does next…. This relationship…It’s almost more than I can even work through in my own mind, much less words. I urge you to explore His heart and to hand yours to Him. Where HE is, I find life.

My inkless pen.

Hannah — Wed, 11 May 2011 02:54:56 +0000

Life is fickle, harsh and wishy washy. My Shepherd promises truth, open arms and solid ground. I have been blessed beyond measure, loved beyond understanding and supported beyond compare. Needless to say, the Lord has gifted me with a wonderful family who has blessed me and prayerfully walked with me every step of my journey. Although a bond of believers makes Satan’s role more difficult, he is still cunning and devious. He knows the areas in my life that I find difficult to sacrifice to the Lord and uses them to my disadvantage. Due to my incredibly busy last month of school, I have found it very difficult to cling to the Lord in the midst of the chaos. Just as Peter took his eyes off of Jesus for a moment to look at his unstable watery surroundings…I took my eyes off of the Lord to take a look at my unstable surroundings. I instantly started sinking. My unfixed gaze inflicted a frazzled mentality and I began to seek after the council of man rather than that of my own loyal Shepherd. I lost my “cool” and became very emotional about things that do not pertain to bettering the Kingdom.
In order to regain my wits, I went on a bikeride yesterday. As I left my neighborhood, I quickly found that I was no longer immersed in the solitude I had intended on obtaining…The Lord decided to intervene. (To all of my fellow ocs worldview scholars, you may find it amusing that our worldview class sneakily integrated a lesson into my walk.)As I pedaled, the words: “99 is not 100″ kept echoing in my heart…. This phrase was repeated countless times in a video we watched in worldview class. The meaning? I am of value because I, as a mere one, make 99 one hundred. I questioned the relevance of this phrase in my own walk…”Lord, what is the purpose in my suffering? Life is so difficult and I’d like to learn this lesson quickly,” was my response. The Lord then laid a story that I had picked up somewhere along the way on my heart. -The Lord, as my shepherd, will leave the 100 sheep to go find the 1 that wandered away. Because his stubborn and wandering sheep refuses to listen to him, the Shepherd will break the sheep’s legs and carry it on his shoulders until it has healed and learned to listen and trust the desires of the shepherd. The Lord expressed to me that I was that stubborn and wandering sheep that had taken my eyes off of my Shepherd and drifted away to fulfill my own feeble desires. I felt broken and inadequate yet the Lord was ready to carry me if I’d let Him. Friends, my pen is inkless. I am retiring the pen to my life story for I know the author and HE speaks the very language of my book. He is calling me to lay my pen down and trust that my story will end with “Happily ever after.” My heart is in His hands. I know that He is building my future and has a plan regarding my future husband as well. Until He gives me a sneak peek to the ending of my story, I am no longer going to feel restless or feel a need for control. My heart is with His and that is where it belongs and will forever reside. : )

-A crippled sheep over the shoulders of her loyal Shepherd

My Broken Instrument

Hannah — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 04:12:41 +0000

The past few days have been abnormal for more than one reason…For starters, my quiet time hadn’t been my priority and I had been giving the Lord my leftover time at night by skimming over a few verses and then going to bed. I opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes 2:10-11 three days in a row, accidentally. “I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.” (Anytime the Lord speaks to me, it is repetitive. I am very stubborn and it takes awhile for His words to penetrate my heart.) The first two nights I brushed the verses aside and went to bed…the third night is when it hit me that the Lord was trying to grab my attention. Although I was compelled to understand, I was exhausted and decided that I would figure it out “tomorrow.”

I lost my voice on Sunday and my voice became no more than rasps, whispers, and the occasional (if I got lucky) squeak. At first it was very bothersome and my day consisted of charades and mouth reading. I LOVE to talk and couldn’t figure out WHY I had lost it. I hadn’t out-talked my voice box and didn’t feel sick…So on the fourth day of my “vow of silence,” I decided to go to the docter. LARINGITUS. Wonderful. Laringitus can last up to 14 days and the only medicine was silence. I tried to find the silver lining and communicated to my mom (in the best way I knew how) that God was going to teach me something through this. My silence was abnormal and the next day at school many of my friends playfully told me that God was trying to punish me for talking too much… Although I knew they were kidding, it struck a cord within me and I found it hard to put the thought to rest. Instantly, I linked those words to my repetitive quiet time… On my way to church today I prayed that the Lord would reveal Himself to me. As I was worshipping the Lord began to speak to me and I immediately began to write.

“Father, you clearly just told me that Your way is more important than mine. The past three nights I’ve given you my leftovers at night and skimmed over a few verses and then gone to bed. My Bible has opened to Ecclesiastes 2:10-11 each night. I know you are trying to teach me something through losing my voice…I looked up “voice” in the index of my Bible and THOUGHT one of the references was John 3:10…Wrong. I began reading the verse and realized that I had read the wrong reference…But it, too was about earthly things and how it will not get you into Heaven or reap reward…God, I’m caught up! I’m caught up in thoughts pertaining to college life, sororities, Disney World, Prom, Spring formal, tests, school, clothes, the musical, hair appointments, social activity…God, the list goes on and on. My focus has drifted beyond compare. I’m sorry that I haven’t been keeping you at my center. You had to take my instrument for my toil to grab my attention and turn me toward you. The only functional instrument for communication I have left is my heart. While worshipping you with my heart tonight, you revealed my earthly motives…How SELFISH of me, I love you…Please transform my voice before you give it back to me. You shared with me that my voice doesn’t sound like yours…I’ve lost sight of my audience. I PERFORM FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE. Why am I constantly seeking after the approval of man? My earthly toil has driven me away from my purpose. I have become immensely stagnant. Churn the waters of my soul. I refuse mediocrity because you are not a God of mediocrity. Transform my voice.”

When I walked out of the church, my voice was returning to me. When I got home, I had my voice completely back…it just sounded a little bit rougher than normal. I know that I am called to a life set apart…A life ingeniously crafted for His sheep. He’s calling me out of apathy and “earthy toil” and to link arms with Him and walk the road He walks. In order to shake me of my reverie of selfish ambition and “earthly toil” he had to break my instrument. He won’t let me sit in the corner living my life in my own way…He has GIFTED me with a greater purpose than that of mediocrity and apathy. Praise the Lord. I have been reminded of my purpose and how big my God is. That is all.

I will not hide, but rather learn from Jonah’s fear.

Hannah — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 03:45:46 +0000

The Lord is loud….He enjoys speaking through a microphone in my life. For a while, I tuned Him out… Not because I didn’t want to listen but instead because He wasn’t the loudest in my life. Whatever you are most focused on in life is what inevitably becomes the loudest. If what you are most focused on isn’t the Lord, suddenly He seems to become more distant because your focus has shifted and He no longer holds your attention. He lost my attention for awhile and my life was radically different. About two months ago, the Lord convicted my heart and urged me to evaluate my priorities and rid myself of all distractions. I listened with my ears, but not with my heart. Nothing changed and life remained the same. I had placed myself on His throne and was in no hurry to change it. At big weekend, (my church’s fellowship, sleepover, stay up late and talk about Jesus weekend.) the Lord began to tug on my heart again. While we were worshipping, He brought me to my knees. He caught my attention and wanted ALL of it. For the first time in a long time, I prayed in a different way. I opened my heart and told Him to break it. I needed for Him to break my heart from what was causing my love for Him to drift into other areas of my life. I prayed that He would rid my life of anything that was of greater importance than our relationship. He is my first love and I was neglecting Him in terms of value. I asked Him to tell me EXACTLY what was hurting Him in our walk together. Almost as clearly as if He had spoken aloud, I heard Him say, “You are Jonah.” The bluntness of His statement shocked me at first…But I quickly tried to dissect what seemed so simple. The Lord gave Jonah instruction…Instead of Jonah having a heart willing to fulfill God’s directions, he fearfully hid hoping to escape what he felt unequipped to achieve. Jonah was unable to move forward in his relationship with God until he was able to faithfully obey. He faced many more consequences than necessary due to his unwilling and calloused heart. Eventually, Jonah found himself on his knees asking the Lord to save Him and give him a willing heart. The Lord did so and Jonah carried out His will. In the long run, Jonah only created more hardships for himself by being unwilling and choosing his own way over God’s. I was quickly convicted… I was acting as Jonah had…I was hiding from the Lord’s will and living in my own. I spent a week in prayer and had to make adjustments in my own life that, needless to say, were not easy. I had to give up many things that were very dear to my heart. The Lord needs my undivided attention and my whole heart for a season. Although making adjustments has been THE hardest task I’ve ever had to do…I know the Lord has a plan! I find my strength in “the shadow of His wings” and know that HE is sovereign. I love the Lord and He is my shepherd. My very existence is owed to Him, who am I to disobey? Life is very difficult right now…But it is at times like these that my dependency on the Lord becomes even greater. Through this I am reminded that Life without Christ is not life at all. I live for Him and Him alone! Learning is tough and I would love prayer.

What a strange feeling….Growing up.

Hannah — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 02:56:15 +0000

I’m a senior. My wonderful high school experience is coming to a close and I have only a year left to invest in my wonderful family until I leave…One year left living in my wonderful home, investing in my sister and brother’s lives, and fundamentally solidifying the foundation of my faith. I’m about to embark on the most exciting and challenging journey of my adolescent life. Quite frankly, I’m terrified. I’m afraid of losing contact with my close friends, I’m afraid for those who change, and I’m afraid to move out and miss out on my teenage siblings lives. They’re both about to enter high school…These chapters are chapters of molding for them both. I don’t want to miss a beat of this fast paced life. College will be a blast…. I pray that the Lord equips me for the battle that is now only around the corner. AH! What a strange feeling…Growing up. I can’t believe how fast highschool has flown. I feel like it was only yesterday that I walked into OCS as a naive little freshman. I thank God for the environment He blessed me with in high school. It has allowed me to establish who I am and decide who I want to be. I am so thankful for the life He has blessed me with. I have an incredible family who loves me, a wonderful home life, a great school, amazing friends, and my best friend (for three years) is now my boyfriend. : ) I love this life….and I only have a year left until it drastically changes. Change is wonderful..yet very frightening. I’m incredibly excited to start fresh and write another chapter of my life…. because throughout my journey I am promised that He will walk with me. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9 I have a wonderful guardian and for that reason alone, I take courage!

Worship. (a journal entry)

Hannah — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 16:39:42 +0000

Father, worship is a time of complete transparency…a time of honesty…and even vulnerability. We are called to be saturated in your divine and unchanging love. Tonight at church, I felt your presence. Although You are always present…I felt as though I had entered your dwelling place. I was in your presence and brought to a place of realization that I often discount. When I enter your presence…The feeling…the energy is almost electrifying. I felt SO EMPOWERED tonight. I needed tonight! The worship was incredible…it was aparrent that I was not the only one who felt this way. The visual signs of humility and sincerity become so distinctly evident when worshipping! It is a way of outwardly expressing what is on your heart. I looked around and realized that although we are all so different…We all share a common mission. We are to let your remarkable glory resound! Your love covers us all. Your love is unfathomable…and so great. Your love was made so evident simply by looking around at your children and their devout passion for You. What a refreshing reminder, Lord! We are to preform for an audience of one…Man will fail us…But you are UNFAILING. I was able to observe the hearts of many tonight…And I was so blessed by what I observed.. As the wise C.S. Lewis once said,” God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.” and the even wiser David once said, “Honor and majesty surround HIM; Strength and joy fill His dwelling place.” (1 Chronicles 16:27) Thank you for tonight, Father. 6/9/10

There is such JOY and COMPLETION where He is! His love SETS US FREE. My friends, I encourage you to find your place of true freedom. Whether that’s in journalling, prayer, worship…BE SET FREE. Be made complete! Find that place and linger….Become saturated and share the joy you find there with those around you! We are called to a life of purpose. Share your dwelling place and help bring those around you to freedom.

Time.

Hannah — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 05:38:45 +0000

I become very pensive at night. My worries catch up with me and my mind tends to keep me awake. It is 12:34 and processing through my thoughts is the only way i’ll get any rest tonight. : )

Age is inevitable. There is no avoiding the natural progression of life…Time is no more than a fact of life. We are given the option to either make the most of the time we have been given…Or waste it and allow it to slip away.

I am now a senior in highschool. The feeling is so foreign to me…I am neither thrilled nor disappointed. I am confused. It seems like only yesterday that I was new to OCS. That was two and a half years ago. Where has the time gone? Time has certainly flown…I love being young. I love having a life full of opportunities ahead of me. Highschool is SUCH a blast… I love my friends. I love spending time with my family. I love the freedom that comes with being a “kid.” I wish I could just freeze time for a little while and continue to live in the highschool years. I love the “now.” “Now” is so full of life…so full of opportunities…so full of…Fun. What’s the use in wishing? It’s wasteful. I cannot afford to waste any more of the precious time I have been given. I cannot waste any of the time I have left investing in my family. I love my friends SO so much…I cannot imagine losing contact with those who I love. I won’t waste any more time! Although I enjoy change…I’m nervous to enter the new world that is college. I have so many huge decisions ahead of me! College will affect four years of my life…and if I’m to meet the man I’m going to marry in college? It will affect the rest of my life. College will be a whole new battlefield. As a woman of God, I have been given the responsibility to be an example and a light to those around me….If I end up at OSU…I will be part of a school who’s foundation is not Christ. I have grown so accustomed to the polar opposite. My faith will be challenged and I will be faced with new trials. I’m nearing a new stage of life! Do I go through rush? I love being plugged in…and I love meeting new people…But that could become another distraction. I have SO many big decisions ahead of me…and only a year to make them. Don’t get me wrong…I’m so excited to be pushed out of my comfort zone and off in the real world! Being tested develops perseverance and is vital to our growth! But at the same time I’m nervous to be on my own and scared to grow up….This year will be a time of growth for me. All of this to say…I am brought back to this verse:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Whew. Goodnight. : )