Becoming Barnthouse

Our Story(Hannah’s version)

I met Brayden when we were just little 5th grade nuggets playing on the playground at Oakdale school. I thought he was the cutest 11 year old I’d ever seen. He had spikey hair, just the way I liked it, played football at recess like all the “cool boys” did and always wore the trendiest Hollister attire.

Needless to say, I had a crush on him. Sixth grade was the beginning of our love story. We had a very serious relationship for a month of sixth grade. We beat out 95% of our friends’ relationships which sometimes only lasted for a couple of class periods. We dated for awhile but our relationship was interrupted by the grandiose amount of stress that comes with middle school relationships like who to sit by at lunch and who is on who’s team at recess, etc….so we decided to see other people. It was a healthy break but we were fortunate enough to stay friends.

Middle school came and went, as did high school. We went to a dance together but it wasn’t until college that we reconnected and rekindled.

It was right at the peak of my “hipster stage” that Brayden and I reconnected for the first time in 5 years. I had transferred from OSU to UCO and was headed to my first class of the day…

“Hannah Wallis?” a manly voice I didn’t recognize asked.

I turned around and as we locked eyes I was immediately filled with nostalgic memories of the 90 pound, middle school version of the 21 year old Brayden Barnthouse that was standing in front of me. Little did I know what the Lord had planned for this relationship.

We became fast friends….and then study buddies… and then workout buddies…and then best friends… and then somewhere along the way he exposed his heart to me and I decided to never give it back.

\\\|||///|||\\\|||///|||\\\|||///|||\\\|||///|||\\\|||///|||\\\|||///|||\\\|||///|||\\\|||///|||\\\|||///|||\\\|||///|||\\\|||///|||

Relationships are a funny thing. You gravitate toward some, extend to many but choose a few to let totally explore your heart. It feels good to be fully known and fully cared for despite your flaws. That’s what love is. It invades your heart and says “it’s okay, you’re worth it” and cherishes you anyway. It feels good to be fully known and fully loved….and to say yes to life forever beside the person you cherish the most. Seeking Jesus beside Brayden is my favorite thing about life. He pushes me, challenges me, helps me see things from a totally new perspective and holds me accountable to be the woman I was made to be. Saying yes to a lifetime of this and a lifetime of memories is a butterfly-in-your-tummy kind of experience. PRAISE JESUS FOR LIFE WITH BRAYDEN. PRAISE JESUS FOR NEW ADVENTURES. PRAISE JESUS TO MARRIAGE!!! PRAISE JESUS!

by Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

Sheepish Confessions

Mondays. I think when Paul talked about the thorn in His flesh in 2 Corinthians that continually ached and reminded Him of His need for Christ…Mondays are what he was referring to.
But last Monday I learned that not all of them are bad as it was one of my favorite Mondays of all time. It was a normal Monday until about 10:15 AM. When my internal alarm went off at 7:00AM, I immediately had a cup of coffee and as soon as the surge of caffeine hit my bloodstream, an image of a  sheep was brought to my mind.
“That’s strange…I don’t even like sheep,” I thought to myself before dismissing the image to continue my journey to the bottom of my Starbucks mug.
Despite going about my normal daily routine, I couldn’t seem to get the image of the sheep out of my head.
“Lord, what are you trying to teach me?” I half laughed as I knew there had to be an answer to what seemed so random.
Upon not receiving clarity, I turned to the index of my Bible and began looking up verses containing the word “sheep.’ I spent the entirety of my morning researching scripture and the behavioral tendencies, nature and instinctive makeup of sheep.
I found that sheep are naturally one of the most vulnerable animals. They require a shepherd because they are prone to danger due to their natural tendency to wander off and get lost, drown, and be curious about dangerous situations. They don’t learn their lesson… Sometimes their shepherd has to break the legs of the wandering sheep and carry it until they heal so they learn to rely and trust their shepherd. When the sheep finally realizes its dependency and stops wandering, it finds rest and peace within the shepherd’s fold.
Suddenly the image didn’t seem so strange.
I am a sheep. It is in my instinctive makeup to go astray, explore my own interests, explore my own control and attempt self righteousness….and even when I fail I don’t learn my lesson.
When sheep give into their flesh, when sheep give into their instincts, they find themselves confronting enemy after enemy as they are prone to danger. Sheep need a shepherd as they are not prepared to confront those enemies without their shepherd.
   “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in WANT.” Psalm 23:1
The symptoms of our “wanting” are emptiness, loneliness, void of peace, confused, anxious, fearful, overwhelmed, etc. Essentially…. we as a people are as helpless as the sheep. We cannot survive this life without a shepherd. We were created with a sense of dependency that cannot be perfectly satisfied by anything but our Shepherd who created the dependency within us. Sometimes our legs have to be broken before we learn to trust Him.
And how beautiful it is that our Shepherd is GOOD. He would face any danger, go any length to ensure the safety of ONE of His sheep. He demonstrated such love by going to the place where His sheep needed him and “did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life, a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:28) He proclaimed that He was the “Good Shepherd” and laid his life down for His sheep.
   CHILLS. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.
by Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

Splashed frothy milk

20131210-225350.jpg

Today I opened the book Love Does in a coffee shop a few miles away from my house with the intention of only reading the first chapter before class. Before I knew it, Bob Goff had whisked me away from the coffee shop in Edmond, Oklahoma and cleverly lead me on an adventure for two to chapter six before I was cognizant of my surroundings.

“BANG!” one of the baristas dropped an aluminum pitcher full of freshly frothed milk that was now splashed all over the floor.

My eyes rebelliously unglued from page 67 as they met the startled eyes of the barista behind the counter who raised his hand and motioned that he was “sorry” and his furrowed eyebrows seemed to agree. I briefly smiled but my eyes had already returned to page 67, slowly but determinedly making their way to 68. My mind was digesting the sentences and sending them to my curious and vulnerable heart almost at the same rhythm of my heartbeat. I reached the end of page 68 and looked up again, more aware of my surroundings due to the interruption moments before.

I checked the clock. I had missed my class.

A fleeting moment of remorse was quickly replaced by a mixture of curiosity, eagerness and an easy decision that the book would today take precidence over anything else. You know when you’re focused and engaging in an activity that requires your full attention and when you finally become aware of your environment again, you realize how much time has passed and how much has changed? It’s kind of surreal, really. Sometimes scary to realize how easy it is to let time drift away from our grasp of consciousness and allow life to have the reigns for awhile.

I guess you could say right now is similar to the aluminum pitcher hitting the ground.

“BANG.”

Jesus grabbed my attention and told me to look around today. Today is December 10, 2013; exactly 21 years from the moment my mom’s life was to be changed (and probably drama ridden for the first half of my life) forever.

Today I am 21 yeas old and something about getting older makes you feel like reflecting. I don’t know if it’s because people are like tops, spinning, spinning, spinning, toppling only to get back up again. It’s something about that moment when you topple that makes you wonder how you got there… why didn’t I keep spinning? how did I get here? how many times did I spin? birthdays are like that. when you become cognizant of the number of “spins” you’ve experienced and you topple only to spin again, you wonder what was wrong with your last spin or what got you there.
“Everything has changed, Hannah. Reflect on your life and realize what I have provided.”

The Lord has provided so much and I haven’t even slowed down to take notice.

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.

Sometimes it is easy to become entranced by the things directly in front of us; the tangible, the present, the noisy stuff. The stuff that calls our name loudly because it is closest to us. Those things can be distractions and keep us from seeing things the way we were intended to. The Lord has provided so much and has been so faithful in taking care of my heart. He knows my passions, my strengths, my vices, my desires and told me to PURSUE THEM by going to UCO and studying photography and to glorify Him in the process.

Like the book I was reading, I was focused, fixated, entranced and fully captivated by the page to page action rather than the whole chapter.

“The Lord your God is in your MIDST.”

A year ago today I was in Tulsa, Oklahoma celebrating my birthday with a group of some of the dearest and sweetest friends You’ll ever meet. I was so comfortable, so happy, so giddy to be around people that I love. The Lord has given me this desire to move, grow, and to be reliant on Him… but often this desire is subtle in the presence of the noisy stuff. for me, one of the noisiest things is friendship. I crave it, I treasure it,and it can often be an escape.

“We cannot truly enjoy the presence of others until we are fully satisfied in Him and stop using others as an escape.”

 

I used to use people as an escape all the time. rather than trusting and pushing harder into Jesus in the face of difficult or joyful situations I would run to my friendships first to seek approval or disproval. Jesus convicted me of this while I was a counselor at Kanakuk this summer and presented me with one of the most exciting/ terrifying/ beautiful/ scary/ invitations for an adventure with Him and only Him. He invited me to pack up my strengths, weaknesses, baggage and freedoms and to hop into the passenger seat and let Him drive for awhile.

He planted a yearning…(that’s the only way I can describe it)…a REAL yearning to transfer to UCO and say yes to starting over and trusting in Him every step of the way. As scary as it seemed, Jesus has never let me down. I said yes to Him, wrote letters to my closest friends at Oklahoma State telling them what Jesus had been stirring in my heart and was overcome with a sense of peace that truly surpasses all understanding. It was freeing. In the simplest of terms….. I discovered an intimacy that I cannot even describe. Jesus has become my best friend and we adventure everyday. Transferring schools had pushed me out of my comfort zone in more ways than I’ve realized. Re-building community, finding a new church, rebuilding who I am and enjoying the little things while Jesus has all of my affection is like sitting at the base of a fresh spring with cupped hands after wandering in a desert after several months.

Time is manmade and God is outside of it. The amount of love, affection, provision and sweet adventures The Lord has provided in our relationship cannot be measured by time…. I feel like I’ve been on this adventure for years. Blessed, being pruned, being refined, being challenged, falling in love with Jesus again and learning more and more about Him every day..These are just a few phrases I’d use to summarize the impact the Lord has had on my life this year.

Praise God for His sovereignty. Praise God for His plans. in everything….PRAISE GOD.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
by Categories: Uncategorized 3 Comments

My (hypothetical) inquisitive trip to visit the great and zealous Paul.

As I have read about the life of Paul, I am appalled. There are few words that fully satisfy the emotions I have regarding this man’s incredible life. I am filled with feelings that I have never allowed to formulate until I read about the life and zealous spirit of Paul. His sense of assurance in the Spirit is absolutely humbling.  His bravery and willingness to “go” regardless of what that entails leaves me nearly speechless. The insatiable desire he had to make the Gospel known to the nations and his unstoppable drive to cross any and all boundaries in order to make Jesus famous leaves me baffled and full of questions. It is because of my circular thoughts that I have decided to write a book on the incredulous life of the Apostle Paul.

            I will be visiting my new hero and soon to be friend in a matter of hours. The only reason that I am capable of paying him a visit is because of some recent technological advancement that my next-door neighbor has so willingly allowed me to test out. A time machine will be my way of travel to the very household where Paul is being held under arrest. I have successfully time travelled and am sipping on some ice-cold well water beneath a tree in the middle of a busy town. I am writing in a journal that I was so fortunate to have remembered to bring as I am at a deficit for anything to trade for a mere sheet of paper. I am unsure of my exact whereabouts but know that I am somewhere in the center of Rome.

As I sit here anxiously listening to the sound of the sheep cooing and the cattle slowly “clopping” through the streets of Rome, I realize the depth of my nervousness. I am prone to often becoming nervous but due to the grandeur of the trip I’m about to embark upon to visit Paul while he is under house arrest, I believe my emotions are justified. It is in this exact moment that I realize that I should opt to channel my anxiousness into well-articulated questions to mask my timid state. I have so many questions for Paul. It is now time for me to embark on my journey to see him. Although we have never met, I feel as though we are old friends due to the knowledge base I have regarding his life. I have researched his every step and with every step, my admiration for him has grown greater.

There are so many “whos” “whats” “whens” and “whys” that linger and paint dark shadows in the colorful picture that I have crafted in my mind of his life. His life was a masterpiece. If the Kindom of God was a tapestry, I believe that Paul provided much of the fabric. I want to tell him that. I want to share with him the impact he has left upon the world for generations to come. I want to ask him of his letters. I want to know if we are interpreting them the way that he intended for them to be understood. I know that Paul had “plenty of opportunity to preach to Jews in his travels.” I want to know if these opportunities ever frightened him? Where did he derive such courage? I know his motivation was divine and he felt security in the Lord, but even at his strongest point, he is still human. Humans are prone to doubt and insecurities of all sorts, but Paul never expressed severe weakness.

He was “stoned on more than one occasion” and even “beaten five times with thirty-nine lashes.” I want to know what thoughts passed through his mind during physical setbacks and persecution. I wish to question where his strength and physical stamina came from for such persecution is extremely difficult to overcome. Did he ever struggle with an inner battle of abandonment or a fear of man? In addition to physical persecution, Paul also faces intellectual persecution. Hundreds of books have been developed regarding Paul’s claims and teachings. “His every word is put under the microscope of critical study.” I want to know how this added external pressure makes him feel about his life as a teacher. Is he satisfied with the impact he left on the world? Did he expect to leave this sort of legacy for the world to observe?

According to James D. Smith III, “Paul of Tarsus crossed all types of barriers to gain followers for Jesus of Nazareth.” I can hardly contain my Pandora box full of questions. I wish to know how Paul graduated from merely following Jesus to becoming a triumphant leader and leading so many people to Him. With his gaze locked on Christ, Paul broke boundaries, travelled the world and relied solely on Christ for direction. Paul walked with many other men of God but eventually the path of Paul narrowed and there was only room for he and the Lord. For example, Barnabus was another follower of Christ. As Paul and Barnabus walked together, spreading the Gospel and sharpening one another, eventually their paths diverged and “they parted ways.”

 It seems that the people in Paul’s life were always changing and the Lord was the only constant because he was always travelling and even his surroundings were ever changing. I wish to know how Paul was able to remain motivated and driven to carry out his calling. Was it the “visions”, “dreams”, or divine experiences that spurred him on? For example, on Paul’s way to Damascus, Paul heard a voice call out to him, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.” (text, p. 128) I would love to know what kind of impact this experience had on Paul. Did you feel threatened by this encounter or did he feel encouraged and inspired? Paul must have felt emotional opposition throughout his entire journey. There were rumors spread that his “conversion was a fake, a clever ruse to ferret out more members to put in jail.” These sorts of claims would be extremely difficult to overcome to a fragile human. I want to know how such rumors influenced the way he carried himself and the way he delivered his message.

Even when Paul was in prison, he continually evangelized and shared truth with those who visited him. His momentum seemed to always be accelerating, even when his faith was being tested. I want to know the content of the conversations he had with people while in prison and how he continued to feed himself spiritually while in such extreme environments. When Paul wrote to Titus and Timothy he compared his situation to a “drink offering.” Paul expressed that he felt like he was being “poured out” and that he had “fought the good fight” but had “kept the faith.” I want to know what this would look like in 2013. What does “keeping the faith” and “fighting the good fight” look like for a twenty year old woman on a college campus.

Paul often referred to his weaknesses as being “a thorn in the flesh.” I would love to ask him about this lifelong battle and what specifically the “thorn” he faces is. Paul had such drive, strength and integrity and I would love to discuss his struggles and what reminds him of his need and dependency on Christ. His approach to evangelism is empowering and also extremely humbling. I would love to discuss what prepared him for evangelism and how he became so radical for Jesus Christ. I would also love to ask him if he felt the nagging pull of spiritual warfare often in his journey.

The “sense of urgency” deposited within Paul pushed him to live a very nomadic lifestyle. He travelled often and only remained “long enough to help a new church get established.” This concept baffles me. Paul was such a man of intimacy, yet chose a lifestyle that only supported consistent intimacy with Jesus Christ. Paul had to have experienced monumental sacrifices in relationships because of this new lifestyle and nomadic state of being. I will be sure to ask Paul questions regarding the challenges he faced with this new lifestyle and the benefits he received from relying solely on Christ. I wonder what kinds of sacrifices he was required to make and how they influenced him throughout his journey.

As a young follower of Christ and confused amateur college student, I want to explore and sift through the bold thoughts and motives of Paul. He was unabashed when it came to speaking in front of large crowds of people and unreserved when it came to sharing his heart. There is no doubt in my mind that Paul’s labor was divine and his motives intertwined with those of Jesus Christ’s. I wish to learn from Paul during this interview. I wish to discover the ingredients of the spiritual well in which he seemed to always be drawing from. I wish to accomplish a full understanding of the motives, heart and soul of Paul in the efforts he made to further the Kingdom. I wish to clarify what allowed him to become radical and what sort of atonements and sacrifices were to be made. Lastly, I wish to delve into the heart and soul of Paul. I wish to sit down and look into his eyes as he tells me of hope and a future in glorifying Jesus Christ with my whole life. I can hardly wait to be in his presence as he disciples me for a mere couple of hours. Little does he know that those precious hours have the ability to mold me for the rest of my life. For the sake of my book as well as for preparation for my current battlefield in college, I wish to acquire knowledge and direction from one of the greatest men of all time. I am here. I have just arrived at the home in which Paul is under house arrest. It is in a matter of moments that my interview is about to begin. Wish me luck, friends. My cup is overflowing with excitement and my mind is overloaded with delightful questions for Paul, himself. It is here that we shall part until my book is published.Image

by Categories: UncategorizedTags: , , , , 2 Comments

learning from a leaf

An occupied gust of wind, an assortment of colors scurrying around our feet, the fruit of something more, or a fleeting reminder of fall. I am often numb to the creation of the  trite and intricate beauty I experience daily.   A leaf is beautiful. A leaf is small. A leaf is full of life and has witnessed it all. The leaf I picked up this morning understands life in it’s richest form. It’s a large leaf, about the size of my hand. It’s exploding with all of the shades of orange you can imagine.

Small hems of green cut through the assortments of orange, craftily and cleverly, only highlighting and accentuating the  idea once formulated by its tree. The small, jagged, hidden holes near the middle seam of the leaf jab at the leaf…trying to ebb away at its beauty…it is as if the wind tugged too hard, or the tree wasn’t ready to let go…or a rock stood a little too tall. The only thing that could blind the eye of these small tarnished features is the sun. When held up to the sun, the leaf exposes even more beautiful colors, as if its beauty is accelerated and magnified by the attention of something so pure and powerful. The light shining through the leaf fills the voids, tarnishes every last tear with light. The very presence of the sun overwhelms the figure of the leaf until nothing is left. It is completely enveloped and overwhelmed with light. There is no flaw in the presence of this light. There is no shame within the inner seam of the leaf anymore. Beautiful, this picture I’m witnessing. As I look away, I am reminded of the sun. The shape of the sun is lingering in my vision and I cannot see anything else.

I am like the leaf I am enjoying. The Lord created so many..each unique, beautiful, different, colorful. But this leaf was different. It had a different story, a different tree, a different experience than any other leaf I’d ever seen. Some blow away with the wind, ready to drift into the lives of others and share their quiet, unique and powerful story. Some blow away and are crumbled by the obstacles they encounter. Some fall into the hands of others, to be held up in the sun and observed for their beautiful story…a story of grace, a story of hope. Each leaf is different, each tear and tattered edge has a story. The Light fills and overflows through and around the tattered holes, filling every idea of failure, of pain, of hurt, of error. I am fascinated by the light. There’s a sort of romance in this story. A desire to embrace, overwhelm, lavish and fulfill every longing void .

The light welcomes the jagged edges of the leaf, any leaf can be filled and made beautiful again. I’ve learned a lot from the leaf that blew across my path this morning. My voids, my insecurities, my incompetence is overwhelmed with grace, with love, with the presence of something fulfilling. The Lord shines in and through my jagged edges, my past experiences, my ideas, my dreams, the ideas I formulate around myself. The Lord desires to envelop me completely in the Light. I am overwhelmed, humbled and pleasantly reminded of my purpose….Due to the efforts of a little leaf that understands.

by Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

A flesh like Martha’s.

Zealot. Zeal. Zealous. Simon was a Zealot. To be zealous is to be an ambitious, curious, passionate and restless SEEKER. To be zealous is to be radical. To be full of zeal is to be inspired to the point of sheer and utter devotion. To be devoted is to be a believer, a seeker, a ZEALOT, a disciple, a martyr, a laborer for the Kingdom, a MARY. The Lord has given me the word “zealous” and challenged me to explore what it means through active proclamation, active pursuit and active seeking after His quiet but powerful and sustaining whispers. To be a zealot is the calling on my life. I have been called to forsake all earthly things, take up my cross and follow Him with every ounce of who I am. Tonight the Lord shared with me a story…. A story of a zealous woman who loved the Lord with every ounce of who she was.

Luke 10:38-41

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

As I sat at sweet Jesus’ feet tonight on the floor of Overflow, He told me that that is where He wants me to dwell. He told me to stop making preparations for Him and to simply sit at His feet and enjoy the season that He is so earnestly pursuing with me: A season of rest. I have been so caught up with trying to make preparations for this summer and achieve them through my own strength when what He really wanted from me was a time of solitude with Him. A time of rememberance for His sweet and sovereign reign over my restless and feeble heart. My heart years for Him, my mind is captivated by His immense depth and my flesh desires Him but my heart can sometimes be overeager…overeager to the point of silencing His beautiful voice. I am exhuberantly awaiting this season with the Lord.. His words to me tonight were humbling, but ever so gentle. 

by Categories: Uncategorized 1 Comment

A little bit of stumbling turned to a lot of humbling

Where do I even begin? The Lord is exploding in my life….. My first semester of college was so rough on my spirit. I suffered immensely because I chose to carry the burdens of bearing the weight of the world on my own shoulders. Instead of letting go of the things that I could not control, I chose to carry the poisonous burdens, convictions, heaviness and oppression within my heart. “The heart is the wellspring of life.” Well…I quickly found that those words rang true within my life. My heart was so full of brokenness first semester….I was not plugged into a campus ministry, I was not seeking being poured into and ultimately I was so caught up in “brokenness” that I was missing the Lord’s voice. Because I internalized everything, my joy began to quickly run dry. My time with the Lord consisted of lots of questions, lots of burdened “Lord, What do I do?”s….and lots and lots of seeking. In my seeking I found that I was not taking time to quiet my chatty heart. In the midst of my questioning….In the midst of trying to do things myself…..I lost sight of my Healer. My broken heart yearned for Him. Satan distracted me from Him with the world, filled my head with a multitude of questions and broke my heart. Satan used my vulnerable heart as a foothold and snuck into my life. During this period of time I grew somber due to my brokenness. Satan wanted me to feel numb….The Lord used this video to break me from my somber reverie and beckoned me to dance with Him again:

I am dancing, I am singing, I am enthralled with a Man who eagerly DESIRES my whole heart and NOTHING LESS. This is not an emotional high because the Lord found me in a valley and beckoned me to join Him on the “city on a hill.” This city on a hill has been revealed to me in so many ways…. He has called me to dissect the book of  Matthew and observe Jesus’ words, miracles and parables. HE IS ROCKING MY WORLD WITH THE BOOK OF MATTHEW. Jesus was such a STUD. He healed the lame, gave the blind SIGHT, instructed mockers, shepherded sinners, melted hearts of stone, loved on His disciples through gentle yet powerful parables and ultimately gave His life on the simple accord of His love for those who would never deserve it. If that isn’t a beautiful love story….I don’t know what is. The Lord is rocking my world. Matthew is only one example…. He’s fleshing out my weaknesses in my walk right now. At first Satan whispered to me that I was unworthy and weak…I quieted my spirit and the Lord reaffirmed me. He said to me, “My child, BOAST in your weaknesses for they are a reminder of why you need Me. I am showing you these things because I wish to sharpen you and make you stronger. You are worthy. You are MINE.” The Lord is breaking me of so many things…. He is refining, pruning and humbling me everyday. I am so thankful for my sweet Jesus’ patience with me. My cup is overflowing. I am falling in love with Him more and more everyday. 

by Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

I will cup my hands and be transformed by the ground.

College is a tornado; you are twisted and thrown and forced to combat things being thrown at you that you’ve never seen. Making adjustments, changing your mindset and standing your ground are only a few of the rules. There are other people in this tornado as well….People who have lost their ground will try to latch onto you for stability, those who are enjoying being tossed will reach for your hand as they tumble and those who have lost sight of the ground may give up. It is up to you to stand your ground, water your ground, cultivate your ground and ultimately decide how important your place of refuge really is….And when you discover the value of your place of security, it is up to you to provide the inquisitive around you with the ingredients necessary for what you have. Stability is something sought after. A lot of times it certainly doesn’t seem that way. Often I feel as though I’m on the ground alone but those are Satan’s words, not Jesus’. The very ground I’m standing on is saturated and dripping with the Lord’s very presence. When I cup my hands and drink of the water from the ground, my very soul sings….My very existence overflows with JOY and my soul finds rest. I am forever thirsty. My soul longs for the water that is provided in my  sweet and fulfilling time with the Lord. I am always yearning. Heaven excites me because I will have TIME and lots and lots of it with my sweet Lord. I’ll be able to look Him in the eyes and tell Him of how good the water at my feet tasted to my longing spirit. Without the Lord my heart would be so thrown and tossed by this tornado. I am grateful for the solid ground the Lord has gifted me with. I pray that the ground I stand on is enticing and that my friends will gather and drink of the water with me

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.” James 1:1-8

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” EXODUS 14:14

 

by Categories: Uncategorized 2 Comments

To look like Jesus

I’d like to think that one day the Lord will pick up the tablet of my heart, read it aloud for both of us to reflect on and smile sweetly, gazing into the very depth of my soul and say, “My darling child, you have served me well and it was through my son that you found Me. Now, reside with me forever…Here in this place you will never feel empty, forgotten, distraught, vulnerable or unloved…Here in this place you will be held in my arms, loved beyond what is measurable and passionately pursued beyond what you thought love could ensue.” The Lord has his grip on me…But I can’t wait to be at His feet. I can’t wait to be with the author of my story…I can’t wait to sit at His feet, gaze into His eyes full  of passionate love and ask Him all of the questions that have been tugging on my heart…I can’t wait to meet Jesus. That day will come… and when it does I hope to look more like Jesus. The song of my heart is just that! My love for Him has turned to yearning, my desire to be in communication with Him has become my every day, and one day my faith will be my eyes.

by Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

A Gentle Planter

God is beautiful. His plans for me are intricate, substantially wonderful, nourishing to the soul, bitter to Satan, life changing for me as His mere child, and faithfully comforting to even the very root of my worries. When the Lord speaks to me….Whether it is through His word, a song, a friend, a book, a sermon, a silence…..His touch gives me goosebumps. The Lord has pursued me like a gentle friend, and captivated every cranny, corner and  depth of the love He invested in me; His very vessel. I love this life because I know in my very spirit that He is in me and has CHOSEN me to invest in the place He crafted and cultivated as His workmanship. The Lord is teaching me so much right now…He is teaching me to watch Him plant Himself into the soil of Stillwater and beckoning me to join Him in a journey called purpose. He has called me out of the slumber of my childhood and into a new realm of exciting growth. I am in utter awe of His wonder….Completely and totally reliant on His hands and in love with a Lord that I can call my very own. God is so cool… I am  SO eager to see what He does next…. This relationship…It’s almost more than I can even work through in my own mind, much less words. I urge you to explore His heart and to hand yours to Him. Where HE is, I find life.

by Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

My inkless pen.

Life is fickle, harsh and wishy washy. My Shepherd promises truth, open arms and solid ground. I have been blessed beyond measure, loved beyond understanding and supported beyond compare. Needless to say, the Lord has gifted me with a wonderful family who has blessed me and prayerfully walked with me every step of my journey. Although a bond of believers makes Satan’s role more difficult, he is still cunning and devious. He knows the areas in my life that I find difficult to sacrifice to the Lord and uses them to my disadvantage. Due to my incredibly busy last month of school, I have found it very difficult to cling to the Lord in the midst of the chaos. Just as Peter took his eyes off of Jesus for a moment to look at his unstable watery surroundings…I took my eyes off of the Lord to take a look at my unstable surroundings. I instantly started sinking. My unfixed gaze inflicted a frazzled mentality and I began to seek after the council of man rather than that of my own loyal Shepherd. I lost my “cool” and became very emotional about things that do not pertain to bettering the Kingdom.
In order to regain my wits, I went on a bikeride yesterday. As I left my neighborhood, I quickly found that I was no longer immersed in the solitude I had intended on obtaining…The Lord decided to intervene. (To all of my fellow ocs worldview scholars, you may find it amusing that our worldview class sneakily integrated a lesson into my walk.)As I pedaled, the words: “99 is not 100″ kept echoing in my heart…. This phrase was repeated countless times in a video we watched in worldview class. The meaning? I am of value because I, as a mere one, make 99 one hundred. I questioned the relevance of this phrase in my own walk…”Lord, what is the purpose in my suffering? Life is so difficult and I’d like to learn this lesson quickly,” was my response. The Lord then laid a story that I had picked up somewhere along the way on my heart. -The Lord, as my shepherd, will leave the 100 sheep to go find the 1 that wandered away. Because his stubborn and wandering sheep refuses to listen to him, the Shepherd will break the sheep’s legs and carry it on his shoulders until it has healed and learned to listen and trust the desires of the shepherd. The Lord expressed to me that I was that stubborn and wandering sheep that had taken my eyes off of my Shepherd and drifted away to fulfill my own feeble desires. I felt broken and inadequate yet the Lord was ready to carry me if I’d let Him. Friends, my pen is inkless. I am retiring the pen to my life story for I know the author and HE speaks the very language of my book. He is calling me to lay my pen down and trust that my story will end with “Happily ever after.” My heart is in His hands. I know that He is building my future and has a plan regarding my future husband as well. Until He gives me a sneak peek to the ending of my story, I am no longer going to feel restless or feel a need for control. My heart is with His and that is where it belongs and will forever reside. : )

-A crippled sheep over the shoulders of her loyal Shepherd

by Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

My Broken Instrument

The past few days have been abnormal for more than one reason…For starters, my quiet time hadn’t been my priority and I had been giving the Lord my leftover time at night by skimming over a few verses and then going to bed. I opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes 2:10-11 three days in a row, accidentally. “I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.” (Anytime the Lord speaks to me, it is repetitive. I am very stubborn and it takes awhile for His words to penetrate my heart.) The first two nights I brushed the verses aside and went to bed…the third night is when it hit me that the Lord was trying to grab my attention. Although I was compelled to understand, I was exhausted and decided that I would figure it out “tomorrow.”

I lost my voice on Sunday and my voice became no more than rasps, whispers, and the occasional (if I got lucky) squeak. At first it was very bothersome and my day consisted of charades and mouth reading. I LOVE to talk and couldn’t figure out WHY I had lost it. I hadn’t out-talked my voice box and didn’t feel sick…So on the fourth day of my “vow of silence,” I decided to go to the docter. LARINGITUS. Wonderful. Laringitus can last up to 14 days and the only medicine was silence. I tried to find the silver lining and communicated to my mom (in the best way I knew how) that God was going to teach me something through this. My silence was abnormal and the next day at school many of my friends playfully told me that God was trying to punish me for talking too much… Although I knew they were kidding, it struck a cord within me and I found it hard to put the thought to rest. Instantly, I linked those words to my  repetitive quiet time… On my way to church today I prayed that the Lord would reveal Himself to me. As I was worshipping the Lord began to speak to me and I immediately began to write.

“Father, you clearly just told me that Your way is more important than mine. The past three nights I’ve given you my leftovers at night and skimmed over a few verses and then gone to bed. My Bible has opened to Ecclesiastes 2:10-11 each night. I know you are trying to teach me something through losing my voice…I looked up “voice” in the index of my Bible and THOUGHT one of the references was John 3:10…Wrong. I began reading the verse and realized that I had read the wrong reference…But it, too was about earthly things and how it will not get you into Heaven or reap reward…God, I’m caught up! I’m caught up in thoughts pertaining to college life, sororities, Disney World, Prom, Spring formal, tests, school, clothes, the musical, hair appointments, social activity…God, the list goes on and on. My focus has drifted beyond compare. I’m sorry that I haven’t been keeping you at my center. You had to take my instrument for my toil to grab my attention and turn me toward you. The only functional instrument for communication I have left is my heart. While worshipping you with my heart tonight, you revealed my earthly motives…How SELFISH of me, I love you…Please transform my voice before you give it back to me. You shared with me that my voice doesn’t sound like yours…I’ve lost sight of my audience. I PERFORM FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE. Why am I constantly seeking after the approval of man? My earthly toil has driven me away from my purpose. I have become immensely stagnant. Churn the waters of my soul. I refuse mediocrity because you are not a God of mediocrity. Transform my voice.”

When I walked out of the church, my voice was returning to me. When I got home, I had my voice completely back…it just sounded a little bit rougher than normal. 🙂 I know that I am called to a life set apart…A life ingeniously crafted for His sheep. He’s calling me out of apathy and “earthy toil” and to link arms with Him and walk the road He walks. In order to shake me of my reverie of selfish ambition and “earthly toil” he had to break my instrument. He won’t let me sit in the corner living my life in my own way…He has GIFTED me with a greater purpose than that of mediocrity and apathy. Praise the Lord. I have been reminded of my purpose and how big my God is. That is all.

by Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

I will not hide, but rather learn from Jonah’s fear.

The Lord is loud….He enjoys speaking through a microphone in my life. For a while, I tuned Him out… Not because I didn’t want to listen but instead because He wasn’t the loudest in my life. Whatever you are most focused on in life is what inevitably becomes the loudest. If what you are most focused on isn’t the Lord, suddenly He seems to become more distant because your focus has shifted and He no longer holds your attention. He lost my attention for awhile and my life was radically different. About two months ago, the Lord convicted my heart and urged me to evaluate my priorities and rid myself of all distractions. I listened with my ears, but not with my heart. Nothing changed and life remained the same. I had placed myself on His throne and was in no hurry to change it. At big weekend, (my church’s fellowship, sleepover, stay up late and talk about Jesus weekend.) the Lord began to tug on my heart again. While we were worshipping, He brought me to my knees. He caught my attention and wanted ALL of it. For the first time in a long time, I prayed in a different way. I opened my heart and told Him to break it. I needed for Him to break my heart from what was causing my love for Him to drift into other areas of my life. I prayed that He would rid my life of anything that was of greater importance than our relationship. He is my first love and I was neglecting Him in terms of value. I asked Him to tell me EXACTLY what was hurting Him in our walk together. Almost as clearly as if He had spoken aloud, I heard Him say, “You are Jonah.” The bluntness of His statement shocked me at first…But I quickly tried to dissect what seemed so simple. The Lord gave Jonah instruction…Instead of Jonah having a heart willing to fulfill God’s directions, he fearfully hid hoping to escape what he felt unequipped to achieve. Jonah was unable to move forward in his relationship with God until he was able to faithfully obey. He faced many more consequences than necessary due to his unwilling and calloused heart. Eventually, Jonah found himself on his knees asking the Lord to save Him and give him a willing heart. The Lord did so and Jonah carried out His will. In the long run, Jonah only created more hardships for himself by being unwilling and choosing his own way over God’s. I was quickly convicted… I was acting as Jonah had…I was hiding from the Lord’s will and living in my own. I spent a week in prayer and had to make adjustments in my own life that, needless to say, were not easy. I had to give up many things that were very dear to my heart. The Lord needs my undivided attention and my whole heart for a season. Although making adjustments has been THE hardest task I’ve ever had to do…I know the Lord has a plan! I find my strength in “the shadow of His wings” and know that HE is sovereign. I love the Lord and He is my shepherd. My very existence is owed to Him, who am I to disobey? Life is very difficult right now…But it is at times like these that my dependency on the Lord becomes even greater. Through this I am reminded that Life without Christ is not life at all. I live for Him and Him alone! Learning is tough and I would love prayer.

by Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

What a strange feeling….Growing up.

I’m a senior. My wonderful high school experience is coming to a close and I have only a year left to invest in my wonderful family until I leave…One year left living in my wonderful home, investing in my sister and brother’s lives, and fundamentally solidifying the foundation of my faith. I’m about to embark on the most exciting and challenging journey of my adolescent life. Quite frankly, I’m terrified. I’m afraid of losing contact with my close friends, I’m afraid for those who change, and I’m afraid to move out and miss out on my teenage siblings lives. They’re both about to enter high school…These chapters are chapters of molding for them both. I don’t want to miss a beat of this fast paced life. College will be a blast…. I pray that the Lord equips me for the battle that is now only around the corner. AH! What a strange feeling…Growing up. I can’t believe how fast highschool has flown. I feel like it was only yesterday that I walked into OCS as a naive little freshman. I thank God for the environment He blessed me with in high school. It has allowed me to establish who I am and decide who I want to be. I am so thankful for the life He has blessed me with. I have an incredible family who loves me, a wonderful home life, a great school, amazing friends, and my best friend (for three years) is now my boyfriend. : ) I love this life….and I only have a year left until it drastically changes. Change is wonderful..yet very frightening. I’m incredibly excited to start fresh and write another chapter of my life…. because throughout my journey I am promised that He will walk with me. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9  I have a wonderful guardian and for that reason alone, I take courage!

by Categories: Uncategorized 1 Comment

Worship. (a journal entry)

Father, worship is a time of complete transparency…a time of honesty…and even vulnerability. We are called to be saturated in your divine and unchanging love. Tonight at church, I felt your presence. Although You are always present…I felt as though I had entered your dwelling place. I was in your presence and brought to a place of realization that I often discount. When I enter your presence…The feeling…the energy is almost electrifying. I felt SO EMPOWERED tonight. I needed tonight! The worship was incredible…it was aparrent that I was not the only one who felt this way. The visual signs of humility and sincerity become so distinctly evident when worshipping! It is a way of outwardly expressing what is on your heart. I looked around and realized that although we are all so different…We all share a common mission. We are to let your remarkable glory resound! Your love covers us all.  Your love is unfathomable…and so great. Your love was made so evident simply by looking around at your children and their devout passion for You. What a refreshing reminder, Lord! We are to preform for an audience of one…Man will fail us…But you are UNFAILING. I was able to observe the hearts of many tonight…And  I was so blessed by what I observed.. As the wise C.S. Lewis once said,” God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.” and the even wiser David once said, “Honor and majesty surround HIM; Strength and joy fill His dwelling place.” (1 Chronicles 16:27) Thank you for tonight, Father. 6/9/10

There is such JOY and COMPLETION where He is!  His love SETS US FREE. My friends, I encourage you to find your place of true freedom. Whether that’s in journalling, prayer, worship…BE SET FREE. Be made complete! Find that place and linger….Become saturated and share the joy you find there with those around you! We are called to a life of purpose. Share your dwelling place and help bring those around you to freedom.

by Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

Time.

I become very pensive at night. My worries catch up with me and my mind tends to keep me awake. It is 12:34 and processing through my thoughts is the only way i’ll get any rest tonight. : )

Age is inevitable. There is no avoiding the natural progression of life…Time is no more than a fact of life. We are given the option to either make the most of the time we have been given…Or waste it and allow it to slip away.

I am now a senior in highschool. The feeling is so foreign to me…I am neither thrilled nor disappointed. I am confused. It seems like only yesterday that I was new to OCS. That was two and a half years ago. Where has the time gone? Time has certainly flown…I love being young. I love having a life full of opportunities ahead of me. Highschool is SUCH a blast… I love my friends. I love spending time with my family. I love the freedom that comes with being a “kid.” I wish I could just freeze time for a little while and continue to live in the highschool years. I love the “now.” “Now” is so full of life…so full of opportunities…so full of…Fun. What’s the use in wishing? It’s wasteful. I cannot afford to waste any more of the precious time I have been given. I cannot waste any of the time I have left investing in my family. I love my friends SO so much…I cannot imagine losing contact with those who I love. I won’t waste any more time! Although I enjoy change…I’m nervous to enter the new world that is college.  I have so many huge decisions ahead of me! College will affect four years of my life…and if I’m to meet the man I’m going to marry in college? It will affect the rest of my life. College will be a whole new battlefield. As a woman of God, I have been given the responsibility to be an example and a light to those around me….If I end up at OSU…I will be part of a school who’s foundation is not Christ. I have grown so accustomed to the polar opposite. My faith will be challenged and I will be faced with new trials. I’m nearing a new stage of life! Do I go through rush? I love being plugged in…and I love meeting new people…But that could become another distraction. I have SO many big decisions ahead of me…and only a year to make them. Don’t get me wrong…I’m so excited to be pushed out of my comfort zone and off in the real world! Being tested develops perseverance and is vital to our growth!  But at the same time I’m nervous to be on my own and scared to grow up….This year will be a time of growth for me. All of this to say…I am brought back to this verse:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Whew. Goodnight. : )

by Categories: Uncategorized 1 Comment

An army of dry bones

I went on a Junior class retreat with my whole grade from Sunday-Tuesday…Ahh! Where do I even begin?  Honestly….The Lord set this time aside for me, personally to grow spiritually. He had such a purpose for the retreat! I was left in awe by the visual signs of growth. I couldn’t believe the transformation that I saw in some of my friends..One of my friends in particular truly caught me by suprise. She went on the retreat apathetic and unwilling to grasp the concept of hope in a better future….and left excited with a new mentality about God and those around her…It was INCREDIBLE. The Lord challenged me trust Him over the retreat…He shared with me that I am a sponge..I am full of voids and holes needing to be filled! I’ve tried for so long to fill my voids with friends, fun, and other temporary things…While none of my “fillers” were long lasting. Eventually, I am rung out  and left feeling empty… The Lord told me that if I allow myself to be immersed in HIS divine and everlasting love, I will be filled! His love is not only long lasting..But fulfilling! He is capable of filling every void and empty space if I would just let Him! He is a gentleman….And wanted nothing more than an invitation. I know that sounds cheesy and is  said so often…But when you have a true encounter and FEEL His love…It becomes real. It became real for me over the retreat. I can honestly say God is no longer just my creator..He is my best friend. I look forward to talking to Him and writing letters to Him in my journal! He has given me such an inward joy…I love knowing that my joy is of Him! I’m ready to be heard…I want people to have what I have! “..Your tongue is the pen of a skillful writer..” I love writing about my faith….It’s time that I applied this verse to my life and conquer my fear of man. I perform for an audience of ONE…And that ONE is my life long best friend.

by Categories: 1 Leave a comment

Faces In The Crowd.

It is truly incredible how much you can see the visual signs of life…and how it has treated people by the look in their eyes and by the looks on people’s faces…Today, I went thrift store shopping at Goodwill to see if I could find a rain jacket…I’ve been there a couple of times before to find an old windbreaker for Homecoming week, and just to mess around with friends…. Because I went alone today and wasn’t distracted by friends…  I was able to take in my surroundings as well as the mannerisms of those around me. I saw a little girl with her extremely young mother…(18- early 20s)… They were both bent over looking over the mound of old beanie babies on the ground. The little girl was SO excited to get to take one home with her…After examining nearly every beanie baby in the pile she finally made up her mind and chose a small furry dog. She stood up, admired the little dog in her hands, hugged it, and then shot a toothless grin at her mom  who scrounged around in her purse for her wallet..The mother looked so emotionally tired…I could see her weariness by the look on her face . Just from a meager second of eye contact, I could tell life hadn’t been easy…But the way she treated her daughter spoke volumes to me.  Buying her daughter that toy wasn’t something she HAD to do…She felt inclined to do it simply for the sake of pleasing her daughter. Ah! That little girl seemed  completely content with her single $2.00 little beanie baby. When I find myself discontent regularly..Whether it’s about my friendships, my life or even my schoolwork… That little girl…Is content. I learned so much today…Simply by standing in line at the checkout counter and admiring the diversity…People come from all walks of life…We’re all different yet very..very similar.

by Categories: 1 Leave a comment

Big Weekend 2010.

The result of signing up for Big Weekend the day before check in?  One of the most memorable weekends of my life. I had an incredible leader. At first, I was quite intimidated. She told us from the get-go that she was going to push us and get in our faces. She buried five friends in high school and was tired of hearing excuses. She refused to put up with them. She wouldn’t let us get away with staying silent…She had every intention of hearing every one of us speak. I LOVED IT. She grew up a pastor’s kid and had picked up on quite a bit of insight. Those 48 hours changed my perspective. I’ve never witnessed a relationship so intimate and personal. God is her best friend. He is involved and the center of every aspect of her life. She encouraged me so much! She encouraged us not to make God our number one priority..But instead our one through five. If God isn’t involved in everything that we do…He inevitably is denoted to number two. Things were really put in perspective for me this weekend. I asked her how she stays so consistent in her faith….I find that one of my largest difficulties is staying consistent. She gave me such a great analogy. Our relationship with God is like a tree.. if we’d just focus on planting the seed and allowing the tree to grow..We will produce fruits. If we just focus on the fruits without allowing the tree to grow…We’re missing the point altogether. I need to focus on allowing my tree to grow….and consistency will soon follow as one of my fruits. So often we replace the word consistent with the word boring. Rather than staying consistent we should focus on staying true. Cultivating our relationship with Him is vital. I saw things in a different light this weekend…I was supposed to be there!

by Categories: 1 Leave a comment

This is for all you boys out there..

The key to a woman’s heart is a man who has spiritual leadership in her life. Women want to be led by a man who takes hold of her hand and guides her through the inevitable difficulty that this life holds in store for her. A man who’s first love is God. God should be the leader in the man’s life, for before the man enters the woman’s life he must pursue HIM and ask for the priveledge to hold the key. Relationships are so delicate….Especially the relationships God has cultivated and created to strive. He says that the purposed relationships that He has created for us here on Earth will survive the rapture and carry on into eternity…We are people of intimacy. We are supposed to have intimate and encouraging fellowship while we’re here! This life is far from easy. We need support and encouragement! You have to pursue people who offer that to you!

by Categories: 1 Leave a comment